Language Humor

Below are some language jokes. If you have a language joke that you wish to include on this page just e-mail it to us, and after being reviewed by our staff we will gladly publish it on our site.

Survival knowledge
Two translators on a ship are talking.
"Can you swim?" asks one.
"No" says the other, "but I can shout for help in nine languages."
How to Make Money from Interpretation
A Mexican bandit's made a specialty was to  cross the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said,
"You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish.
As luck would have it, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said, 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"
Language Barrier

Two highway workers were busy working at a construction site when a big car with diplomatic license plates pulled up.
"Parlez-vous Franšais?" the driver asks them. The two
workers just stared.
"Sprechen Sie Deutsch?" The two continued to stare at him.
"Fala Portuguese?" Neither worker said anything.
"Parlate Italiano?" Still no response.
Finally, the man drives off in disgust.
One worker turned to the other and said, "Gee, maybe we should learn a
foreign language..."
"What for? That guy knew four of them and what good did it do him?"

EuroEnglish Language
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish":
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgracful, and they should go away. By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaiining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!

Translation Deadlines

Translator gets 400 words to translate.
Client : How long will it take?
Translator : About a week.
Client : A whole week for just 400 words? God created the world in 6 days.
Translator : Then just take a look at this world and afterwards take a look at my translation.

My spell checker

I have a spell checker
It came with my PC
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see

Eye ran this poem threw it
Your sure real glad two no
Its very polished in its own weigh
My chequer tolled me sew

A cheek or is a blessing
It freeze yew lodes of thyme
It helps me right awl stiles two reed
And aides me when aye rime

Now spilling does not phase me
It does knot bring a tier
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped words fare as hear

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud
And wee mussed dew the best wee can
Sew flaws are knot aloud

So ewe can sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear four pea seas
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting want to please

English is a Crazy Language

by Richard Lederer

Let's face it: English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
And while no one knows what is in a hotdog,
you can be pretty sure it isn't canine.

English muffins were not invented in England
nor French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads,
which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write,
but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce,
and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth,
why isn't the plural of booth, beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese?
Is cheese the plural of choose?
One mouse, 2 mice.
One louse, 2 lice.
One house, 2 hice ?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
what does a humanitarian eat?

Why do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?
Ship by truck or car and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
How can the weather be hot as Hell one day
and cold as Hell another?

When a house burns up, it burns down.
You fill in a form by filling it out
and an alarm clock goes off by going on.

You get in and out of a car,
yet you get on and off a bus.

When the stars are out, they are visible,
but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it,
but when I wind up this essay, I end it?

English is a silly language ...
it doesn't know if it is coming or going !!
 

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